Alex Went 0-9 and Got Fucked by Matthew, Who Started a Zero
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Week 6
In AD 9, Publius Quinctilius Varus marched three Roman legions into the Teutoburg Forest on the word of Arminius, a German chieftain he trusted completely. Arminius had spent months planning the ambush, and over three days of rain and mud the legions were cut apart in the trees until almost nobody came home. When the news reached Rome, Augustus is said to have beaten his head against a door and screamed for Varus to give him back his legions. Alex lost to Matthew.
Alex started Sam LaPorta on a bye, then filled his FLEX spots with David Montgomery and Kyle Monangai, and neither of them played. Varus at least marched his men into the forest; Alex sent his into a lineup they never showed up for. Bijan Robinson, his 1.03, scored 7.3. Alex finished with 103.9, the lowest score in the league, and went 0-9 in the all-play. Varus had a traitor who plotted against him for months. Alex had a bye schedule that was printed before the season started, and he could not be bothered to read it. Unarmed.
Loser of the Week
Alex: 103.90 points, lost to Matthew.
Alex is your Loser of the Week, crowned on a throne of empty chairs: a tight end on a bye and both FLEX spots handed to men who were not in the building. Mason Taylor put up 9.3 on his bench, the one player who showed up, and Alex left him sitting there too. ALEX STARTED A BYE AND CALLED IT A LINEUP. Not his first crown either. Habitual.
The matchups
Shough and Fhough 152.90, Love on the Spectrum 143.64
Trevor Lawrence put up 36.34 for Justin, and this newsletter has already seen what Lawrence does to Ethan. Justin started Efton Chism in the FLEX, Chism played and scored zero, and Justin won anyway. Lucky.
Ethan, the commissioner, benched Germie Bernard to start Denzel Boston, who scored 2.5, and Germie Bernard put up 25.7 on the bench and absolutely fucked the man who benched him. Ethan lost by 9.26. Michael Penix scored 29.1 on the same bench, and Ethan left 57.3 points sitting there, the most in the league. The man who wrote the lineup rules cannot set a lineup, and that is 3L for Ethan. Figurehead.
Love on the Spectrum: 143.64, projected 161.68, 57.30 left on the bench
Shough and Fhough: 152.90, projected 127.64, 15.70 left on the bench
The swap that flips it: Germie Bernard (25.70) for Denzel Boston (2.50) at FLEX
Navid 192.76, Njigba’s in Paris 162.86
Navid scored 192.76, the best in the league, and he still benched Tre Tucker's 26.7 to start KC Concepcion, who scored 7.9. Malik Nabers dragged him with 28.5. A man that careless should not be 9-0 in anything. Audit him.
Peter put up the second-best score of the week and lost by 29.9, which would earn sympathy if he had not started Case Keenum, who did not play. Cam Skattebo and Juwan Johnson both played and both scored zero for Peter, while Dameon Pierce put up 15 on the bench. Peter got robbed, and he was holding the gun.
Njigba’s in Paris: 162.86, projected 177.38, 29.50 left on the bench, robbed (top-3 score, lost)
Navid: 192.76, projected 163.43, 28.70 left on the bench
The Mayeflower 157.28, Anish 108.14
Drake Maye, the 1.01 this league laughed at, scored 29.8 for Carlos, and Carlos left only 7.76 on his bench. Nobody in this league sets a lineup that cleanly without someone checking his browser history. Suspicious.
Anish started Darren Waller, his 27.05, in the FLEX, and Waller played and scored zero while Jaylin Noel put up 20.7 on the bench and spent the afternoon making Anish watch. Bo Nix scored 4.48 for Anish, which this newsletter already told him about on Sunday. He lost by 49.14 and went 1-8 in the all-play. Spectator.
Anish: 108.14, projected 147.71, 31.40 left on the bench
The Mayeflower: 157.28, projected 177.29, 7.76 left on the bench
Kraft YAC & Cheese 141.20, Let A Naysayer Know 129.38
Brandon was projected for 189.88 and scored 141.2, the 7th best score of the week, and won only because the schedule handed him Devante. He benched DeVonta Smith's 20.5 and got 5 from Derrick Henry. Brandon also lost 1,191 in FantasyCalc value in one trade this week, so this win is the only thing he did not give away. Fraud.
Devante benched Stefon Diggs's 16.4 to start Tyler Higbee, who scored 6.2, and lost by 11.82. Kyle Pitts put up 25.5 trying to save him and Mark Andrews answered with 1.9. Devante also lost 728 in FantasyCalc value in a trade this same week. Clearance rack.
Let A Naysayer Know: 129.38, projected 118.57, 24.88 left on the bench
Kraft YAC & Cheese: 141.20, projected 189.88, 32.72 left on the bench
Matthew 141.32, Alex 103.90
Matthew started Brian Thomas, who played and scored zero, and left C.J. Stroud's 29.98 on his bench. Ethan made the same mistake with a quarterback on his bench and lost; Matthew made it and drew Alex. He won by 37.42 and is still 10th in the power rankings. Unearned.
Christian McCaffrey scored 30.7 for Alex and spent the day carrying a lineup that never showed up. Bijan Robinson was projected for 25.16 and gave Alex 7.3. Deserted.
Matthew: 141.32, projected 136.54, 46.66 left on the bench
Alex: 103.90, projected 132.70, 20.90 left on the bench
Points left on the bench
Points left on the bench
Team
Manager
Scored
Best possible
Left on bench
Love on the Spectrum
Ethan
143.64
200.94
57.3
Matthew
Matthew
141.32
187.98
46.66
Kraft YAC & Cheese
Brandon
141.2
173.92
32.72
Anish
Anish
108.14
139.54
31.4
Njigba’s in Paris
Peter
162.86
192.36
29.5
Navid
Navid
192.76
221.46
28.7
Let A Naysayer Know
Devante
129.38
154.26
24.88
Alex
Alex
103.9
124.8
20.9
Shough and Fhough
Justin
152.9
168.6
15.7
The Mayeflower
Carlos
157.28
165.04
7.76
Zero-point starters
Njigba’s in Paris (Peter): Case Keenum, QB, did not play
Njigba’s in Paris (Peter): Cam Skattebo, RB, played, scored 0
Njigba’s in Paris (Peter): Juwan Johnson, FLEX, played, scored 0
Shough and Fhough (Justin): Efton Chism, FLEX, played, scored 0
Anish: Darren Waller, FLEX, played, scored 0
Matthew: Brian Thomas, WR, played, scored 0
Alex: Sam LaPorta, TE, on a bye
Alex: David Montgomery, FLEX, did not play
Alex: Kyle Monangai, FLEX, did not play
Standings
Standings
Rank
Team
Manager
Record
Points for
Streak
1
The Mayeflower
Carlos
3-1
722.38
3W
2
Kraft YAC & Cheese
Brandon
3-1
721.44
3W
3
Navid
Navid
3-1
645.54
2W
4
Njigba’s in Paris
Peter
2-2
776.26
2L
5
Alex
Alex
2-2
606.34
2L
6
Shough and Fhough
Justin
2-2
603.58
1W
7
Matthew
Matthew
2-2
505.94
2W
8
Love on the Spectrum
Ethan
1-3
690.34
3L
9
Anish
Anish
1-3
548.5
1L
10
Let A Naysayer Know
Devante
1-3
513.66
2L
Power rankings
Score is 40% all-play win rate, 30% points per game and 30% projected starting-lineup points, each rescaled so the best team in the league is 100 and the worst is 0.
Power rankings
Rank
Team
Manager
Score
All-play
Luck
1
Njigba’s in Paris
Peter
100
33-3
-1.7
2
Kraft YAC & Cheese
Brandon
76.5
24-12
0.3
3
The Mayeflower
Carlos
75.1
25-11
0.2
4
Love on the Spectrum
Ethan
63.5
24-12
-1.7
5
Navid
Navid
46.8
19-17
0.9
6
Shough and Fhough
Justin
39.3
17-19
0.1
7
Alex
Alex
36
15-21
0.3
8
Anish
Anish
23.1
9-27
0
9
Let A Naysayer Know
Devante
12.2
7-29
0.2
10
Matthew
Matthew
0
7-29
1.2
Season odds
Matthew is 65.7 percent to land the first pick next year and 2.4 percent to make the playoffs, so every win he steals only costs him the better prize. Alex went from 91.2 percent playoff odds to 48.1 in one week, a whole season lost in the trees. Devante is 31.4 percent to finish last and has earned every point of it. Ethan sits at 75.5 percent to make the playoffs and 4.8 percent to win the title, and the commissioner is kidding himself about both.
Season odds
Team
Manager
Playoffs %
Bye %
Title %
Last %
Njigba’s in Paris
Peter
99.8
70.3
45.3
0
The Mayeflower
Carlos
99.5
53.6
20.3
0
Kraft YAC & Cheese
Brandon
99.5
58.9
23.9
0
Navid
Navid
92.5
12.7
3.4
0.1
Love on the Spectrum
Ethan
75.5
2.2
4.8
0.8
Shough and Fhough
Justin
59.9
1.2
1.3
1.4
Alex
Alex
48.1
1
0.9
2.4
Anish
Anish
17.8
0.1
0.1
11.7
Let A Naysayer Know
Devante
4.9
0
0
31.4
Matthew
Matthew
2.4
0
0
52.3
From 10,000 simulated seasons.
Next week
Alex gets Sam LaPorta back next week and loses anyway. Augustus begged for his legions back, and when Alex gets his, nobody will be able to tell the difference.