Navid Went 1-8 in the All-Play, and the One He Fucked Was Matthew
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Week 3
In the autumn of the year 9, Publius Quintilius Varus marched three Roman legions into the Teutoburg Forest because a German officer he trusted told him the road was safe. The night before, a chieftain named Segestes walked into his tent and told him to his face that the officer was a traitor, and Varus sent him away and went to bed. Over three days of rain the tribes cut the column to pieces in the mud, Varus fell on his own sword, and back in Rome Augustus spent months slamming his head into a door and screaming at a dead man to give him back his legions. Matthew would have fallen on the sword and missed.
Aaron Rodgers put up 29.68 on Matthew's bench, standing there like Segestes in the tent with the answer in his hand, while Matthew started C.J. Stroud for 13.68 and lost to Navid by 9.02. De'Von Achane, his 3.02 pick, gave him 1.7, and Oronde Gadsden gave him a clean 0, the only thing all week that came out round. Varus had rain, a forest and a traitor he had every reason to trust. Matthew had a phone, the winning quarterback sitting on his own bench, and nobody to blame but the moron holding the phone. Pathetic.
Loser of the Week
Matthew: 112.92 points, lost to Navid.
Matthew takes the crown with 112.92, the lowest score in the league, and an all-play of 0-9, which means every roster in this league would have beaten him, Navid's included. He left 57.4 on the bench, a whole second legion he never sent into the forest. It is his first crown and it already fits his head like it was measured for it. Long live the king of nothing.
Shough and Fhough 186.48, Kraft YAC & Cheese 173.32
Jahmyr Gibbs put up 41.4 and carried Justin home with Justin Jefferson's 5.2 hanging off his back like a drunk friend. Justin benched Sam Darnold's 37.66 to start Trevor Lawrence and won anyway, which is the kind of luck that deserves a subpoena. Suspicious.
Brandon posted the 4th best score of the week and lost, and he would like your sympathy. He started Patrick Mahomes for 20.94 while Kirk Cousins sat on his bench and put up 28.22, and Dalton Kincaid gave him 4.8 at tight end on a team still named after boxed macaroni. Nobody is sad for you, Brandon. Nobody.
Shough and Fhough: 186.48, projected 163.33, 28.08 left on the bench
Kraft YAC & Cheese: 173.32, projected 178.88, 18.28 left on the bench
Alex 168.14, The Mayeflower 163.36
Alex won by 4.78 while starting Kyle Monangai for 3.1 with Jordan Addison putting up 20 on the bench. Bijan Robinson dropped 35.3 and carried him out of the bar at closing time. Alex will call that management.
Carlos started Drake Maye, his 1.01 pick, and Maye gave him 5.76. Jordan Love put up 23.48 on his bench, again, and Love alone would have won it, again. This newsletter told Carlos exactly where he would be buried, right next to Jordan Love, and like Varus he heard the warning and went to bed. George Kittle's 29.2 is the only reason it was close. Hopeless.
Alex: 168.14, projected 156.59, 43.10 left on the bench
The Mayeflower: 163.36, projected 169.62, 40.32 left on the bench
The swap that flips it: Jordan Love (23.48) for Drake Maye (5.76) at QB
Navid 121.94, Matthew 112.92
Navid won with the 9th best score of the week and an all-play of 1-8, a fraud with a win stapled to it. Josh Allen was his best starter and his worst one at 19.46, a roster so thin one man covered both ends. The only team in the league Navid could have beaten was the one he drew. Scavenger.
Matthew lost to that, by 9.02, with Aaron Rodgers on his bench. Augustus at least had the decency to find a door. Matthew should find one too.
Navid: 121.94, projected 154.97, 34.38 left on the bench, fraud (bottom-3 score, won)
Matthew: 112.92, projected 144.88, 57.40 left on the bench
The swap that flips it: Aaron Rodgers (29.68) for C.J. Stroud (13.68) at QB
Love on the Spectrum 187.28, Devante & Davante now 134.46
Ethan, the commissioner, started Alvin Kamara for 5.1 while Noah Fant sat on his bench with 21.3, and Brock Bowers had to bail him out with 32.6, which is the only way the man who writes the rules ever wins. He also lost 135 in FantasyCalc value on a trade, so even in a winning week he was getting robbed by his own friends. The league is rigged in his favor and he is still bad at it.
Devante left 58.12 on his bench, the most in the league, with Geno Smith putting up 32.04 of it while Jalen Hurts gave him 13.62. Kyle Pitts put up 2, and this newsletter has already written that headline. Devante got bent over by the commissioner by 52.82 while the better half of his roster watched from the stands. Loser.
Love on the Spectrum: 187.28, projected 142.53, 51.28 left on the bench
Devante & Davante now: 134.46, projected 176.93, 58.12 left on the bench
Njigba’s in Paris 211.50, Anish 167.68
Peter put up 211.5 and went 9-0 in the all-play, which in this league is a police matter. Brock Purdy dropped 39.28 for him, and he still started Jalen Coker for 3.8 with Zay Flowers on the bench, so even the best team in the league has a moron at the wheel. Nobody gets to 211.5 honestly, Peter least of all.
Anish sat in the cuck chair and watched Kenyon Sadiq put up 27 on his bench while Terrance Ferguson gave him 2.4 at tight end. Sadiq absolutely fucked the man who benched him, and then Peter did too. Buried.
Njigba’s in Paris: 211.50, projected 193.44, 17.70 left on the bench
Anish: 167.68, projected 157.38, 44.80 left on the bench
Points left on the bench
Points left on the bench
Team
Manager
Scored
Best possible
Left on bench
Devante & Davante now
Devante
134.46
192.58
58.12
Matthew
Matthew
112.92
170.32
57.4
Love on the Spectrum
Ethan
187.28
238.56
51.28
Anish
Anish
167.68
212.48
44.8
Alex
Alex
168.14
211.24
43.1
The Mayeflower
Carlos
163.36
203.68
40.32
Navid
Navid
121.94
156.32
34.38
Shough and Fhough
Justin
186.48
214.56
28.08
Kraft YAC & Cheese
Brandon
173.32
191.6
18.28
Njigba’s in Paris
Peter
211.5
229.2
17.7
Zero-point starters
Matthew: Oronde Gadsden, FLEX, played, scored 0
Standings
Standings
Rank
Team
Manager
Record
Points for
Streak
1
Njigba’s in Paris
Peter
1-0
211.5
1W
2
Love on the Spectrum
Ethan
1-0
187.28
1W
3
Shough and Fhough
Justin
1-0
186.48
1W
4
Alex
Alex
1-0
168.14
1W
5
Navid
Navid
1-0
121.94
1W
6
Kraft YAC & Cheese
Brandon
0-1
173.32
1L
7
Anish
Anish
0-1
167.68
1L
8
The Mayeflower
Carlos
0-1
163.36
1L
9
Devante & Davante now
Devante
0-1
134.46
1L
10
Matthew
Matthew
0-1
112.92
1L
Power rankings
Score is 40% all-play win rate, 30% points per game and 30% projected starting-lineup points, each rescaled so the best team in the league is 100 and the worst is 0.
Power rankings
Rank
Team
Manager
Score
All-play
Luck
1
Njigba’s in Paris
Peter
100
9-0
0
2
Love on the Spectrum
Ethan
75.6
8-1
0.1
3
Kraft YAC & Cheese
Brandon
71.9
6-3
-0.7
4
Shough and Fhough
Justin
66.9
7-2
0.2
5
Alex
Alex
54.2
5-4
0.4
6
Anish
Anish
43.8
4-5
-0.4
7
The Mayeflower
Carlos
41.4
3-6
-0.3
8
Devante & Davante now
Devante
33
2-7
-0.2
9
Navid
Navid
16.6
1-8
0.9
10
Matthew
Matthew
0
0-9
0
Season odds
Matthew has a 0.3% chance at the playoffs and an 86% chance of finishing last, the most certain anything has ever been in his life. NAVID WON AND HIS PLAYOFF ODDS STILL COLLAPSED. They fell from 49.1% to 16.2%, and Navid leads the race for next year's top pick at 67%, so the simulator treats his win as a clerical error. Ethan jumped from 22.1% to 93.2% in one week, which is exactly what a commissioner's odds would do.
Season odds
Team
Manager
Playoffs %
Bye %
Title %
Last %
Njigba’s in Paris
Peter
99.9
93.9
56.4
0
Kraft YAC & Cheese
Brandon
96.3
41
22.4
0
Love on the Spectrum
Ethan
93.2
31.5
9.5
0.1
Shough and Fhough
Justin
86.7
16
4.5
0.1
Alex
Alex
79.6
11.7
3.7
0.1
Devante & Davante now
Devante
56.6
3
1.9
1.2
The Mayeflower
Carlos
41.1
1.9
0.9
2.3
Anish
Anish
30.1
0.8
0.5
3.9
Navid
Navid
16.2
0.3
0.1
6.3
Matthew
Matthew
0.3
0
0
86
From 10,000 simulated seasons.
Next week
Next week Matthew benches the right quarterback again, and Augustus goes looking for a new door. Matthew, give us back our legions.